


Colder Than His Home, Meaner Than His Demons

by MellytheHun



Series: Kylux Angst November [8]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Bonding, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, Pining, Scars, War, tumblr event
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-08-31 20:26:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8592313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MellytheHun/pseuds/MellytheHun
Summary: Day Nineteen of Angst November: Scars





	

**Author's Note:**

> _“Come to my heart, you tiger I adore._
> 
>  
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> _You sullen monster, cruel and speechless spirit;_
> 
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> _Into the thickness of your heavy mane_
> 
>  
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> _I want to plunge my trembling fingers’ grip.”_
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> 
> \- Charles Baudelaire, excerpt of “Lethe,” [_Les Fleurs du Mal_](http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FFlowers-Oxford-Worlds-Classics-English%2Fdp%2F0199535582%2Fref%3Dsr_1_1%3Fie%3DUTF8%26qid%3D1455065961%26sr%3D8-1%26keywords%3Dthe+flowers+of+evil&t=MWFlZDQ4N2ZmNmE0MjA4YjdmNjM4N2RiODA5MGJlOWY1OTYwNDI2OSxmNVVFaklXeA%3D%3D)(trans. James McGowan)

“Is this why you wear your collar so high, then?”

In too much pain to indulge in sarcasm, Hux just rolls his eyes and mumbles something about how, “for your information,” he wears his uniform absolutely precisely and to “just shut up and give me that stupid cape.”

Confused by the request, it takes Kylo a moment to catch on to the order being given; he removes his cloak and hands it to Hux without another word.

When Kylo saw Hux injured, he left the battleground to follow the General – he has been saying since the start of this that Hux is much too delicate a man to be in actual battle. When Snoke explained that the General would be on the ground with the infantry, Kylo argued that Hux is too obsessed with cleanliness, order and certainty to withstand the demanding chaos of combat. The past few hours have taught him otherwise – Hux is actually rather fearsome, he’s a ferocious leader and an honorable comrade.

He’s serpentine, agile and calculating. He is not nearly as strong, built or physically intimidating as the Rebels he’s fighting, but he’s smarter than them, more strategic, always ten steps or more ahead and that appears to make all the difference. His eyes are sharp and silver as blades, his white teeth look like feral animals’ fangs in contrast to the dark scarlet that spots his uniform and face. His aim is perfect, no scope needed, making headshots from nearly eight hundred yards away without a moment’s hesitation.

Kylo underestimated him.

He’s been fighting gloriously for several hours, but only narrowly avoided being lethally wounded by a blaster shot originally meant for his chest – that agility came into play fast, but he was still struck. As he slithered past troopers and officers alike to get behind a landed ship for cover, Kylo followed and watched as Hux threw off his belt, jacket, collared shirt and undershirt – everything stuck to him with sweat, blood and grime.

His breath is labored and he seems genuinely bothered that he’s been delayed in fighting – as though he’s eager to be back out there, killing and having people shout ‘Starkiller,’ at him, come charging at him with manic rage in their eyes – but maybe he _does_ enjoy it. With Hux’s innate grace and precision, combat seems more like a ballet than the gruesome tumbling it really is. Hux does well under pressure and sincerely enjoys being judged - having his perfectionism validated is rewarding for him, but there is no one to validate a soldier on the battlefield. It could be that Hux likes the killings, likes seeing the light leave people's eyes, likes being a merciless, sharp and unpredictable reaper. Perhaps Hux just likes to perform – Kylo is sure he’s never seen the General’s eyes so alight.

Kylo has also never seen so much of the General’s skin – it’s bizarre for that alone, but he realized quickly why it is he hasn’t seen much of Hux’s skin before.

Even as Hux bites into Kylo’s cloak and tears off a length of it from the hem, Kylo is distracted by the artful, strangely beautiful fractal scarring that decorates all of Hux’s pale, thin torso.

Hux is seated on the dirt ground, his hair is mussed and there’s some blood splatter on his face and neck. His blaster is only programmed to recognize his fingerprint on the trigger, so his usual gloves are nowhere to be seen and besides dark, fitted pants and combat boots, all Hux has now is his dog tags hanging low against his sternum.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Hux hisses, pressing down on his side where the blaster shot has scathed him.

He presses the black cloth down onto the laceration and takes the ends of the torn piece of Kylo’s cloak in both hands, wrapping it around his synched, narrow waist. He makes a complicated knot, pulling it all tightly and seething again once he’s tugged it close for the last time.

Trying to catch his breath in huffs, Hux leans back against the back of the ship, a drop of sweat sliding lazily down from his temple. He shuts his eyes, as though Kylo isn’t there at all – he applies pressure onto the wound and uses his free hand to give Kylo back the remainder of his cloak.

As Kylo curls his fingers into what remains of the already tattered cloak, he asks Hux, “how did you get those scars?”

Without opening his eyes, Hux tilts his head a bit more towards Kylo and replies, “lightning, of course.”

“I know _that,_ ” Kylo says shortly, glaring at Hux and hoping the man can feel it without seeing it, “I mean how did you ever find yourself being _struck_ by lightning?”

There’s a deep sigh and then Hux answers while gesticulating vaguely, “black hole. Was doing repairs on the outside of a smaller ship – got too near to the ring of lightning around it – you know how far that lightning stretches out. We were a safe proximity from the actual black hole, but not from the lightning it produced. I was struck. That’s the end of the story.”

The scars are pink, thin and have a sort of shine to them – they web out in the shape of scattered lightning from where Hux’s collarbone meets his shoulder all the way down to his pelvic bone.

“It goes down my leg.”

Kylo’s head snaps up – unaware he’d been staring at the waist of Hux’s pants – he had been staring at the scars, but he’d also become distracted with the dark red hairs that disappeared below belt line of Hux’s black pants. The contrast of his fair skin and light hair against the dark of his clothes is very striking.

He meets Hux’s eyes and Hux looks strangely calm and sounds as if he’s high on adrenaline – he’s relaxed and being much more candid than he’d typically permit himself to be.

“What was it like?” Kylo asks with a gentle tone, hoping Hux doesn’t feel he’s intruding on some history he hasn’t been invited to learn.

“Honestly?” Hux gives a small laugh, reaching up with his left hand to massage his temple, “I don’t remember it all that much. I was struck twice – the first strike stopped my heart and the second strike restarted it, but both strikes were in such quick succession, no one but the medics could tell the difference. I had some burns, but nothing bacta gel and quality healers couldn’t handle. They cleaned up most of the residue, but there’s no help for fractal scarring.”

“Do you remember if it hurt?” Kylo inquires, unsure as to why he is asking at all.

Hux shrugs, “doesn’t everything?”

Frowning, Kylo kneels down beside Hux and removes his gloves so he can properly clasp his hand over Hux’s. He feels Hux stiffen up beneath his touch – not fear and not exactly disgust, but unfamiliarity.

Kylo doesn’t blame him – he’s unfamiliar with being handled with care as well. The scars have alarmed Kylo, though. He never imagined that Hux’s body would be so decorated with evident pain and something about it all makes Kylo respect him more. He thinks about how, if he were strong enough with the Force and if he had been there, maybe he could have redirected the electricity or maybe he could have even stripped it from Hux’s body as it entered.

“It burned,” Hux eventually answers softly, staring down at their joined hands while Kylo looks at his profile, “I only remember a moment of it. And honestly, I can’t be sure it’s even a proper memory. It might just be my brain filling in gaps with what it thinks ought to be there. But, whether it’s a real memory or not, that’s… that’s what I feel when I think about it. Like my blood was gasoline and the lightning was a lit match. Yes. It hurt.”

“And the blaster shot?”

Hux looks up at Kylo, quirking a confused brow until he realizes what Kylo’s talking about and he laughs a little again, “oh! This? It’s nothing, Ren. It hasn’t punctured any organs, it’s just done a good number on my skin and the little fat I actually have there.”

Kylo’s eyes must be shining with his admiration – he couldn’t have known Hux’s threshold for pain and he’s not sure what it says about him that he is attracted to Hux in this moment. He wants to touch those scars, wants to lap up Hux’s blood and kiss him, wants to throw him down into the dirt and heal the pain of the blaster shot just as much as the pressure of his hips grinding down on Hux’s would irritate it.

He watches Hux toy with his dog tags, wanting all the agony and terrible ferocity in Hux’s cobalt eyes and high cheekbones to be for him. He wants Hux to endure pain for him, he wants to cause Hux pain and then soothe it away, he wants to watch Hux endure pain and bite and snap himself free from it like a cobra.

“I’ve severely underestimated you.”

Kylo feels a shy burst of gladness come from Hux’s aura as Hux smiles down at their hands.

“Most everyone does. I take great pleasure in proving them wrong.”

“And me?”

“Oh,” Hux snickers, “I take _great_ pleasure in proving you wrong.”

Kylo smiles down at their hands too and they stay like that for much too long. Long after Hux has caught his breath, long after the time mark appropriate for any comrade to hold the hand of another has passed. Both of them feel it – the strangeness of it all, the intimacy. Hux can feel Kylo wanting to comfort him and he doesn’t understand why and Kylo can feel Hux feeling all of that and still, neither of them move or speak of the leaden quality to the air.

There are explosions, there’s screaming, orders being shouted, blasters being fired, automatic weapons spitting out blasts in rapid bursts, but for a short interlude, the two of them are careless and unattached to the blood-soaked ground. Alone – together.

“The scars are nice,” Kylo compliments, “They suit you.”

Hux turns his hand over and grips onto Kylo’s, making him jump a little in shock.

“I don’t know that yours suits you. I haven’t gotten used to it yet,” Hux admits, “but it is a part of you and I think I will grow to… care. About it. As I have about you. You know, to some degree.”

Barely containing a selfish smile, Kylo ducks his head and nods, “to some degree.”

“A small one.”

“A small degree.”

“I can tell when you’re mocking me, you know.”

“I’m not mocking you.”

“You see, this is precisely why I only care about you to some small degree.”

At that, Kylo openly laughs and wonders how he’s gone all this time, not knowing Hux was actually… _bearable_. Maybe a little more than bearable. He's spent several standard years living beside Hux, but never really bothered to get to know the man. He's more than he appears and there's a chance his history is more interesting than Kylo could have first predicted for someone he had too quickly judged as clinical and boring.

Seems a pity so much time has passed with Kylo not knowing what was standing right in front of him.

He wonders what might have been different if they lived in a time of peace. He wonders what freedom he would have to give to Hux and receive in return – he wonders if he were a free man, in a free galaxy, would this moment be seminal to them both? Would it lead to more? Would he have the liberty to run his hands over those scars? Make Hux feel beautiful and worshipped?

Maybe, if they were free, somewhere far and long away, Hux could make him feel less shamed for his scars too.

The levity is stripped from them briefly when Hux draws his hand away and stands, holding his side as he does. He’s clearly uncomfortable, but stretches and cracks his back and neck, adjusting his pants and boots before offering his hand to Kylo again to help him up.

Taking the proffered hand, Kylo stands and keeps Hux’s hand when he says, “I never asked – how did you get to aid in time? After the lightning strike?”

This curiosity seems to reawaken something in Hux – something like his common sense returns and his usual suspiciousness towards Kylo is there in high definition. His hand tremors just barely before he tears it away from Kylo’s and situates it onto the hilt of his blaster, attached to his waist.

Kylo’s hand has a strange cold sweat in the wake of Hux's parting.

He immediately misses the feeling of Hux’s skin on his - that sensation was so natural, so relaxing and warm, smooth - he wants it back as soon as it's gone.

He would do heinous things to know Hux’s skin more intimately and to start knowing it _now_.

Hux is withdrawn, though – closing in on himself like a collapsing star. Hiding behind his title and uniform as he does aboard _the Finalizer_. He is someone different very suddenly and Kylo misses him all while looking right at the man. He wonders if Hux is a man anyone can grow close to - he wonders if Hux has ever let someone touch his scars, worship him, take his shame away. He wonders if Hux has ever let someone hold his hand before this moment between them. He wonders if Hux is like a black hole himself - surrounded by a warped, lightning halo that burns whatever it touches and when he's not destroying whatever light comes near him, if he can only be identified by the _absence_ he encompasses. Perhaps Kylo has only seen a glimpse of Hux because he is looking for what is not there. Something about that notion causes Kylo great pain but something else about it entices him, invites him to get too close to the event horizon of Hux and allow himself to be pulled in and destroyed by whatever nothingness exists within.

“Why do you think Captain Phasma and I are so close?”

Trying to imagine the Captain rushing out into a lightning storm in open space to retrieve Hux fills him with gratitude. There may not be room or time or leisure enough for men like them to ever love each other as others love each other, but Kylo thinks he’s much better off having known General Hux than having gone without him. Somewhere along the line, he owes the privilege of knowing Hux to Captain Phasma.

Hux tightens his makeshift bandages and unfastens his blaster, looking ready to head back out into the wild, open fire. Kylo’s eyes widen and he asks absurdly, “you’re not going back out there, are you? You’ve got no armor – you’ve got nothing at all. Do you know what the odds of you surviving this are?”

 _“Never tell me the odds,”_ echoes like a haunting, broken record in Kylo’s head, raising his blood pressure and twisting every nerve until he hears Hux _bark_ a laugh.

His eyes meet Hux’s and there they are – icy, sharp and sparkling with _life_. He looks lethal and handsome and to anyone else, he’d be a terrifying man to happen upon in the shadows like he is now. His canines glint, his cheeks are rosy and his posture is proud and ready, all splattered with blood and fractal scarring, looking one part monster and one part archangel.

“Ren – I was struck by lightning. _Twice_. I know a thing or two about odds and rest assured – the odds are _ever_ in _my_ favor.”

There is something perfect about Hux’s cocky smirk, something gorgeous and indescribably comforting about Hux’s inflated ego and sense of self-importance. He’s not so foolish a man to think himself immortal, but still, he’s larger than life. Bigger than the body he inhabits, colder than the dark halls of _the Finalizer_ , fiercer than his inner demons and bursting from his own bones like the flashing glow of a lightning strike.

Han Solo relied on luck, good fortune despite being undeserving of it and, maybe, sometimes, without knowing it – he used the Force to better his odds. _Maybe_.

But General Hux is not a man to put all his credits down on luck – he’s a man that _makes_ his own luck. He doesn’t hope for the best and prepare for the worst – he looks forward to the improbable, the impossible and orchestrates his fate like freeform art; by all means, let the worst come – Hux would like to bite into it and smear its blood over his lips. He is not Force sensitive, not at all, but he’s mystical all the same.

Plainly human – extraordinarily human.

Kylo’s not sure he’s ever wanted to kiss someone until now. He ponders for a moment if it was the lightning strike that gave Hux his electric blue eyes or fiery red hair. Maybe the strike did light the inside of him and maybe it still burns to this day. And if he does, if he wakes up every cycle feeling scorched and buzzing, it only makes Kylo want him more.

Kylo has always been drawn to sources of great power.

He wishes he could tell Hux all of this, but they are not free men and they do not inhabit a free galaxy and they are not sometime and somewhere far and long away. They are destined to fight this uphill battle, shouldering shames and darkness heavy enough that Atlas would shrug and collapse under the weight of it all.

“Come now, Ren,” Hux invites, walking past him, back towards the active explosives and gunfire, “Time to earn us more scars.”

Kylo doesn’t want Hux’s body to bear more scars – he’s realizing quickly that he’d rather like to protect Hux. He’d like Hux to be safe from injury and pain, but it’s a glad invitation he can’t decline. Hux wants to steep in the enemies’ blood, he wants to ride the high of daring death to catch him if it can and after this, Kylo isn’t sure he could deny Hux that pleasure.

He looks so glorious and beautiful, scar-adorned and graceful, a fanged beast ready for the pounce and Kylo can’t deny Hux. Won’t deny him. If it’s scars Hux wants to collect, if the odds are ever in their favor, if Hux will keep looking at him with glittering eyes and a treacherous smile, then scars Hux will have.


End file.
